I am tired of feeling mentally checked out of my weight loss goals. I worked my tail off to lose 40 lbs and here I am sitting 11 pounds over my goal weight & where I was at the start of 2011 (still at 136 for my challenge check-in). I know in my head what I need to do but I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I get mad at myself and then I get depressed and then I am back in my emotional eating cycle.
I am tired of constantly being in pain. I know things are in motion to bring some answers but its not moving quite fast enough. I miss spending time with my husband and my daughter.
I am tired of feeling betrayed by my body. I am 29, not 79. I think I could handle my flaws better if I knew there were good memories attached. For example, I could handle a slightly softer middle if I knew that it was the result of a miracle pregnancy but instead its a result of 4 surgeries in 4 1/2 years and menopause at the age of 26. Seeing my scars is a visual reminder of the failure of my body.
I am tired of feeling empty in my spirit. I broke down on Monday evening sitting on the counter talking to my husband as I was sharing about feeling betrayed by my body (and feeling awful about my emotional breakdown on a beautiful post by A Belle, A Bean, & A Chicago Dog – sorry Liz!) and it struck me that I think part of my emptiness is feeling betrayed by God. I know in my head that He didn’t betray me nor did He cause my pain or sickness but I feel very alone spiritually.
I wish that the answer to my fatigue was sleep but I know its not that simple. While I am not sure what is going to happen next, the only thing I know to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and cling to His promise that in my future there is hope for prosperity.