I have always struggled with trying to find my sense of worth in something other than God. I think its a part of my perfectionist tendencies. I feel like I have to perform at a certain level in order to have value. I had to have the best grades. My music performances had to be perfect. I needed to be at 100% all the time. Obviously I constantly felt like a hamster on a wheel as I was running and running yet going nowhere. It was only when I learned that my worth and value was not based on grades or my performance but on nothing other than who I was in Christ. It was such a freeing experience and for once I felt like I was finally able to enjoy who I was.
Then I got sick and I feel like its been a battle to regain this confidence ever since. I seem to always be finding myself saying “I’ll be ok when . . . ” or “When I can start doing this again, I’ll have more value.” As I was taking a walk yesterday, I kept hearing myself say “when I can run again” knowing that it may not be a reality yet I keep setting myself up for failure because I base my value on something in the possible unattainable future. I tell myself “I’ll be a better wife and mother when” instead of “I am a good (and valuable) wife and mother now.” My husband loves me regardless of my current health status. My daughter still needs me to hold her and kiss away her tears. More importantly, my Maker calls me a wonderful and beautiful creation and there is nothing that makes me more valuable than that.
As I am on a journey to continue healing physically, I am also on a journey to heal spiritually. I feel like the last several months have really caused me to close off that part of my life and I want to be open again. I want to allow myself to feel His presence in my life. I need it.