I have always struggled with trying to find my sense of worth in something other than God. I think its a part of my perfectionist tendencies. I feel like I have to perform at a certain level in order to have value. I had to have the best grades. My music performances had to be perfect. I needed to be at 100% all the time. Obviously I constantly felt like a hamster on a wheel as I was running and running yet going nowhere. It was only when I learned that my worth and value was not based on grades or my performance but on nothing other than who I was in Christ. It was such a freeing experience and for once I felt like I was finally able to enjoy who I was.
Then I got sick and I feel like its been a battle to regain this confidence ever since. I seem to always be finding myself saying “I’ll be ok when . . . ” or “When I can start doing this again, I’ll have more value.” As I was taking a walk yesterday, I kept hearing myself say “when I can run again” knowing that it may not be a reality yet I keep setting myself up for failure because I base my value on something in the possible unattainable future. I tell myself “I’ll be a better wife and mother when” instead of “I am a good (and valuable) wife and mother now.” My husband loves me regardless of my current health status. My daughter still needs me to hold her and kiss away her tears. More importantly, my Maker calls me a wonderful and beautiful creation and there is nothing that makes me more valuable than that.
As I am on a journey to continue healing physically, I am also on a journey to heal spiritually. I feel like the last several months have really caused me to close off that part of my life and I want to be open again. I want to allow myself to feel His presence in my life. I need it.
i love the Message version of James 4:7 “Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time.” He’s right there for us.
I just had to share this verse on FB! Thank you for sharing it! I really needed to hear it!
I do the same thing, I constantly tell my husband “I can’t wait until I feel normal and things are better” or “It will be so nice when I feel better so I can (fill in the blank). I seem to put happiness on hold when I feel awful, and reading this post makes me realize I need to re-frame my attitude. I’m valuable even when I don’t feel well and aren’t accomplishing things at a frantic pace, wow, I really like that idea.
God makes us who we are so when we try to define ourselves apart from Him, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Actually I’m pretty glad that He makes me pretty cool because I don’t know that I’d like me without Him.
Amen! So thankful for a Creator who can take a cracked pot like me and make something beautiful!
You know, Jamee, I think sometimes there is an extra amount of pressure on ladies in ministry who are also affected by chronic illnesses. It’s hard enough to just be an “average Jane” like I am. I’m not sure how well I would cope if I felt I were “on display,” if you will.
From what I’ve seen, you are getting through this with grace and class. I’ve just recently experienced a renewal in my faith. My husband mentioned it today, in fact. I honestly think the impetus for me has been connecting online with other Christian women who deal on a day-to-day basis with special needs, whether in themselves, their children or their spouses.
Thank you so much Shari for your words of comfort & encouragement. While I’m grateful for a fantastic church family, I do have moments where I feel quite vulnerable and “on display,” especially since I haven’t been able to be as active in church as I would like to be lately! My online community is definitely a God-send!
Thanks for this. I, too, often say, “When I feel better…” I need to think in the NOW and accept myself HERE, because the truth is, “better” may never come. I need to be ok wit that!