chronic illness

Anxious About Reoccurrence

I am not going to lie. My anxiety is currently sky-high.

263 days ago I had emergency surgery for a small bowel obstruction caused by adhesions from my latest laparatomy for endometriosis.

Every day since I have lived in fear that I would have another.

Lately my fear has been even greater as the nausea, inability to eat, and pain that I experienced in the days and weeks leading up to my obstruction have returned. Friday I was thisclose to heading to the ER.

Prior to this obstruction experience, I was a surgery vet. The biggest anxiety I had about the whole ordeal was whether or not the nurse would be able to start an IV without resticking me a million times. Once the IV was set, I was good to go.

Not anymore. I think that everything progressed so quickly from the moment the doctor announced I needed surgery to the fact that I cannot remember the initial 72 hours post-op to having to knowing how hard the whole ordeal was on Abby has scarred me.

Another scary thought? There isn’t a darn thing I can do to prevent it from happening again. Actually because of my history, there is a likely chance that it will happen again.

Tomorrow, I see my gastroenterologist. I’m not sure what they are going to say or do but to say that I am not scared of my mind would be a lie.

If you have a moment around 3pm, please say a prayer!


11 Years Ago Today

11 years ago, I was a junior college and met the most amazing man. We had met the previous fall while playing together in a praise band. Through our church college ministry and campus life, we had the opportunity to get to know each other and after spending countless hours on the phone that Christmas break felt God leading us to take the next step! We were both in a place where we didn’t want to date just to date but felt like the next person we dated would be The One even though we were still in college.

Before we made it official, John wanted to ask my dad’s permission to date me so we loaded up his Corolla and drove to Virginia for the weekend and thankfully my dad said yes (and John earned major brownie points (needless to say when he asked my dad for my hand in marriage he didn’t have to finish the question before my dad said yes – which just so happened to be the night before my first surgery for endometriosis – boy, he didn’t know what he was getting into).

After that weekend, being the romantic that he is, John wanted our first official date (and the start to our courtship) to be on Valentine’s Day! All throughout the day, I found little notes all over campus! Here are two of my favorites:

He had slipped one to my roommate to leave on my dresser when I got out of the shower . I had one waiting in my music locker when I got out of practice. Another was in my campus mail box. I recognized right away how lucky I was!

I cannot believe how fast the time is gone and what a roller coaster it has been but I wouldn’t trade a second of it. God has blessed me with the most wonderful man who is my best friend, my biggest fan, and my #1 advocate. I cannot wait to see what the next 11 years have in store!

chronic illness

Longing for Sunshine

The weather this past month has been mostly clouds and rain. Besides the effects that rain has on my joints, I have definitely noticed how it is more greatly affecting my moods.

In the midst of life’s challenges I try to keep a positive outlook and feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my face goes a long way in helping me feel as though I can overcome the hurdles of chronic illness.

The last several weeks, however, the sun has peeked through less and less  and I feel as though I have less and less wind in my sails. My pain levels have also been up so I am not sure if my disposition is more directly tied to pain levels or if it is a combination of the two.

The sun make an appearance this morning, albeit a short appearance, but the few moments I was able to take a walk in the sunshine I could feel a change in my thought patterns. As the clouds have rolled back in, I have once again found myself melancholy.

I have so much to be thankful for and excited about in life but lately I am finding it more challenging. I know that there is a time for every season and some seasons in life will be more challenging than others.

Spring is still five weeks away so in the meantime I will keep dreaming of warm sunshine and afternoons spent on the backyard swing.