chronic illnessfaith

Choices

I’ve been quiet this week both in real like and online. I have tweeted some but I just haven’t had much to say.

Its been one of those weeks where you go into survival mode and do whatever the bare minimum to keep your head above water.

Pain has been harder to control. The nausea has seriously become completely overwhelming and currently they are not exactly sure how we can correct it.

In addition to the physical stress, emotionally I feel like the best thing for me to do is hide. I mentioned this once on twitter this week but the guilt of being a sick mom and wife as been difficult to shake for whatever reason. I also had a surge of infertility grief which hit me out of nowhere.

I also got in a fight with my mom this week which never happens. She is totally my best friend outside of my husband. I mean we get on each others nerves and get frustrated with each  other but this one was big. She was trying to be funny. I was in a lot of pain and battling the guilt. Those two things didn’t mix well. There were a lot of tears and even a hangup but by the end of the day we had it figured out. Thankfully. So we are back to being BFFs.

With all of this going on, I have felt like I didn’t have anything to offer. The last thing I want to spew negativity through out the blogosphere (even though I know those posts are sometimes needed) but every time I sat down to write I looked at my new tagline – choosing hope in spite of chronic illness. This past week, I wasn’t choosing hope. I was choosing despair and by making that choice I was allowing myself to sit in a dark place. And since my goal with this blog is to be authentic I didn’t want to put on a front like I had it all together when I know inside I was crying.

Thankfully, I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel again. The pain is still there. The grief is still there. The only difference is the choice that I have made – choosing hope. I am choosing hope tonight at 9:13pm in NC and I know tomorrow when my alarm goes off I will once again have to make a choice. Making the choice to have hope doesn’t mean I know all the answers or that I know my future but choosing hope means I know my Creator and by knowing His character, I’ll be ok.

bloggingchronic illness

HAWMC Day 15 – Writing

Today’s assignment asked us to describe our writing style which I have interpreted as figuring out how you find your voice. If you go back to the very beginnings of this blog (which I must say I don’t recommend), I had no idea what my voice was. The blog was more like a stream of consciousness and rambling for a paragraph or two. I had not yet found my purpose.

Finding my writing voice took almost three years and finally I began to feel at home here. I had started reading other blogs, found blogging communities like SITS, and discovered Twitter. It was by finding out that there were other people like me looking to share their story that I felt I could share mine as well.

Some tools that have helped me better my writing are the courses 31 Days to Build a Better Blog and most recently Content Brew. Both of these courses have helped me become more intentional about my writing and thinking ahead for posts and series that I would like to cover instead of just sitting down at the computer and writing about whatever the first thing that pops in my head. That still happens some but for the most part I at least have a general idea of topics a few weeks out.

For just about everything in life, I am a pen and paper kind of girl. I print e-books so I can write and color. I like having a paper calendar instead of an electronic one. I practically rewrote my music theory book as it doing things by hand that I seem to learn and process the best. Except for blogging that is! For whatever reason things seem to flow smoother typing. If I feel blocked, I just stick the post in the draft bin and it may or may not get finished later. I’m not sure why its never dawned on me to wrote out a blog post by hand but now that I am thinking about it, I may have to give it a try.

As far as an actual “style” of writing, I would hope my writing would come across as conversational. I don’t want to ever feel like my writing is stiff and emotionless. One of the best compliments ever was about my writing style. She was doing a course on communicating online and she wrote, “My friend Jamee describes herself as, “a YPW (Youth Pastor’s wife), adoptive mom, blogger & spoonie (a person living with chronic illness)”. To me, she is a warrior. Jamee has publicly struggled with infertility and multiple chronic illnesses yet she uses her experiences as a ministry opportunity to others. Her blog started as an outlet for herself and has now become an outlet for others. I not only love her message, but I love her ease of writing. Her blog feels more like a conversation with a friend over a cup of coffee than a long-winded essay. I also like how easy it is to navigate within her blog to find resources and older posts.”

I totally cried. It is moments like those that keep me pushing through. Its encouraging comments and random emails that help let me know that I have found my purpose in writing. Of course, I will never say I have learned it all, because let me tell you, I have a long way to go and I think once I ever get to a point where I think I know it all, I just need to stop. I look forward to hopefully many years of growing, writing, and building relationships through A New Kind of Normal.