I have always struggled with trying to find my sense of worth in something other than God. I think its a part of my perfectionist tendencies. I feel like I have to perform at a certain level in order to have value. I had to have the best grades. My music performances had to be perfect. I needed to be at 100% all the time. Obviously I constantly felt like a hamster on a wheel as I was running and running yet going nowhere. It was only when I learned that my worth and value was not based on grades or my performance but on nothing other than who I was in Christ. It was such a freeing experience and for once I felt like I was finally able to enjoy who I was.
Then I got sick and I feel like its been a battle to regain this confidence ever since. I seem to always be finding myself saying “I’ll be ok when . . . ” or “When I can start doing this again, I’ll have more value.” As I was taking a walk yesterday, I kept hearing myself say “when I can run again” knowing that it may not be a reality yet I keep setting myself up for failure because I base my value on something in the possible unattainable future. I tell myself “I’ll be a better wife and mother when” instead of “I am a good (and valuable) wife and mother now.” My husband loves me regardless of my current health status. My daughter still needs me to hold her and kiss away her tears. More importantly, my Maker calls me a wonderful and beautiful creation and there is nothing that makes me more valuable than that.
As I am on a journey to continue healing physically, I am also on a journey to heal spiritually. I feel like the last several months have really caused me to close off that part of my life and I want to be open again. I want to allow myself to feel His presence in my life. I need it.
I was so excited when the Sisterhood announced that they were bringing back Shrinkvivor! I have loved all of the challenges they put together but by far Shrinkvivor was my favorite so I’m super excited to be on board again!
For this challenge, members are divided into tribes, just like on Survivor. Each Wednesday there is a weigh-in and a vote to cast one tribe member to Exile Island. However, each week there will be a challenge which winning can earn a team immunity! This weeks challenge is to count all exercise minutes!
For this challenge, I am super excited to be a part of Tribe Gold which is an awesome group of ladies! I’ve been cleared to resume physical activity (slowly of course) so this week’s challenge definitely gives me some motivation to start walking again, even if I start out with just 15 minutes at a time. My new treatment is still giving me a pretty rough time but this challenge will give me something positive to focus on so I’m really looking forward to it! I will be tracking my calories at MyFitnessPal and will be tracking my activity using DailyMile so feel free to friend me to keep me accountable!
As a part of the initial check-in, we are required to photograph our starting weights, so here we go:
I had my final post-op check-up on Friday (6 weeks post-op) and was cleared to start work today! Pain-wise I’m doing pretty good but still waiting on all my energy to return! I promise I didn’t fall off a cliff & I hated not posting more last week but between the fatigue from traveling and trying to adjust to my new treatment, I thought it was better to not post at all then to throw up some half-thought-out crap post! So please forgive me & thank you if you are still hanging with me!
Today marks one week on my new treatment – Megace. So far the only side effects have been nausea and stomach pain. The doctor and pharmacist warned me that I would probably want to eat the whole house since increased appetite is the most common side effect so I think I’m glad I’m battling nausea instead. Maybe? In my eight years with chronic illness, I think I’ve gotten to the point where I do a pretty good job managing my pain but there is something about extreme nausea that can totally incapacitate me. I’m really hoping that it passes the longer I take it. Right now I’m using Coke and Zofran to help keep pushing through as I know long term, this treatment will really be beneficial.
Stay tuned! I hope to share stories & pics from our trip to Disney the rest of the week!