I survived the weekend and had an absolute blast at Look Up Lodge with the youth. I was exhausted when we got back but it was well worth it! And you can see by the picture that I even did the Giant Swing (this was on our way up–I can’t imagine my facial expression on the way down!)!
I also had my first therapy session today. It was a more of a meet & greet to get to know each other. I’m guessing the next session we will dive deeper into my psyche (hahaha…scary huh?). The part that I’m going to struggle with is being completely open. I could feel myself wanting to withdraw today as I was afraid of being judged, even though she is a wonderful woman. She had all of the positive communication traits that I have learned about in class but its still different sitting on the opposite side. I’m really looking forward to it too. Maybe soon I’ll be able to enjoy a more positive outlook on life.
So after Wednesday being a pretty positive day over all it did not end so well. Right before bed I took all of my meds as usual, including my two new ones. Shortly thereafter things began to get fuzzy. John said that is when I started talking out of my head and had trouble walking. He said that I kept asking him why there were people in our house and why they kept putting things are our kitchen table. Its sounds pretty embarrassing now (especially knowing all of the other things that got said too!) but John naturally freaked and got me to the ER as fast as he could. They said that it was a side effect from one of the medications I was taking (which I later found out was enhanced by the combination of taking me meds at one time). So eventually the craziness passed and finally at little before midnight we got to come home.
So today I’ve been really tired and my body has been rebelling as usual. So as I sat home alone I had some time to think about everything. Sometimes I think one of the hardest aspects of living with an illness is the feelings of loneliness. Because honestly no one can truly understand unless they are in your shoes. I am sure there are plenty of people who talk behind my back saying that I’m crazy or a drama queen or who knows what else. But I know that my pain is real and feeling that no one understands can be extremely isolating. I mean I’ve even asked myself if I was crazy or making this up but I honestly think if I was wanting attention I would find a much better way to do it! I talked to my mom for a while tonight too and told her about the whole ER thing and then we started talking about our Black Friday shopping trip. I told her that I hope my energy is up by then or I might have to wheelchair it. And then she told me that I just needed to “buck up” and get past feeling bad. Of course I quit talking and I think she realized what she said and then said, “well I guess no one really knows what it feels like if they aren’t the one with the disease.” And I just wanted to say, “Finally! You understand!”
I don’t even understand my body sometimes. I have yet to learn the limits of what I can and can’t do. I miss being able to pick and choose what I wanted to do but now I don’t have that luxury. Take Black Friday for example, I would love to be out there with the crazies just/ for the thrill of it but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. While blogging is a great way for me to vent my feelings, I am really looking forward to seeing this new counselor on Monday. Maybe then my blogs will get more positive (LOL).
To end with something positive, I got my referral today for my new rheumotologist! YAY!!! Hope is just around the bend!!!!!
I am so proud of standing up for myself at work! I sat down with my boss and we had a really good conversation about what my responsibilities are and how we can take care of me being left with everyone else’s junk. So YAY for me 🙂 I also started reading “Captivating” last night and it is absolutely wonderful! I got through the first 2 chapters and felt completely energized. It says that the three desires of a woman’s heart are to 1) be romanced, 2) be an irreplaceable part of an adventure, and 3) to feel beautiful. I can honestly say that sums me up. I felt very refreshed to know that my desires are put in place by a God who wants the same thing from us. He wants to romance us. He wants to be an irreplacable part of our lives. And He wants to reveal His beauty to us. How awesome is that?! I just feel so much more secure in my own skin today! While I may feel tired and run down physically, I am emotionally and spiritually refreshed. God is so good! Oh and I’m 2 days late 🙂