chronic illness

Successful Craziness

This week has been absolutely wild at work but at the same time I count it successful as my pain levels have been way down! YIPPEE! I’m still really tired but I will take that over being in extreme pain AND tired. So it looks like we are making progress and I might be able to enjoy the holidays after all!

For those that are reading I do ask prayer for my boss’s daughter (she worked for me this summer). They spent last week in Spain and right before their flight home, she began having random bruises. By the time they returned home, she had them all over . They went straight to our local ER who ruled out anything she could have picked up in Europe and said that her blood platelets low. So they sent her straight to the Charlotte hospital. She was diagnosed with a disorder that causes her spleen to attack her platelets. The good thing was that they rules out leukemia (which we were all worried about) but this could still be very dangerous. She is undergoing treatment so hopefully things will work soon. She’s only 16 so please keep her in your prayers!

holidaysjust for fun



I have found a new addition–snoballs. They are the Christmas version of the Whoppers candy. They are so good! I can’t stop eating them! My doctor asked me if my appetite had improved and I admitted that only if she counts chocolate. I am trying to eat better but I just haven’t felt like it. I seem to be living off of pb&j, cereal and chocolate. Talk about a balanced diet! But hey, its the holidays! I’ll deal with it New Years 🙂



I am finally beginning to get into the holiday spirit! I love seeing all of the Christmas decorations up around town and seeing lights from Christmas trees in everyone’s windows. I love looking at our tree! If I say so myself, it is a fine looking tree. I love looking at each of the ornaments and seeing the memories, like our first christmas ornament or a special ornament given to me by my parents. I can’t wait to see my family! I’m ready to give gifts and tell stories! I just love this time of year!


The past the week I have had a song in my head that I can’t get shake called “Hold the Light” by Caedmon’s Call. One line that keeps repeating over and over in my head is “Jacob wrestled the angel but I’m too tired to fight.” That sums up how I’m feeling. I’m just so tired of fighting the fight. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Lately I have found it hard to even pray. Not that I believe that God isn’t there or isn’t listening but in efforts to protect myself I have withdrawn deeply shutting out even the people dearest to me (hence why I am starting counseling). Infertility and illness can be so cruel. I have met some strong and courageous women who have provided so much comfort and encouragement but it hurts to know the pain that has brought us together. I cannot quit wrestling with the idea of IVF. I feel like I’m giving up too soon if we don’t give it a shot. I know that part of it stems from my perfectionism and fear of failure but deep in my soul I long to experience pregnancy and child-birth and look into my child’s eyes seeing what the love bewteen John and I created. The holidays will be hard and I will try not to be bitter. Maybe this year when I say this will be our last childless Christmas, it will come true.

“Hold the Light”

Written by: Andrew Osenga and Randall Goodgame

It’s been a long year, like a sleepless night

Jacob wrestled the angel but I’m too tired to fight

Every Wednesday for two years we’ve met

I’ve showed you all my anger, doubts, and bitterness

There was no judgment in your eyes

Just the silent peace of God that felt so real in you

Will you hold the light for me?

Will you hold the light for me?

And I stay up late, cause I cannot sleep

I don’t wanna face the quiet, it’s just God and me

Cause I’m waiting for the gavel handing me the sentence down

Cause I don’t believe forgiveness or even repentance now

There was no judgment in your eyes

Just the silent peace of God that felt so real in you

Will you hold the light for me?

Will you hold the light for me?

I wanna feel redemption flowing through my veins

I wanna see with clear eyes beyond lust and hate

I want the war to be over and know the good guys won

I want love to hold me and know I’m not alone

Standing round a willow weeping

We’re praying in the backyard

And the chill of the night, the friendship light reminded me

Who we are