Fresh Start

May 4, 2012

Fresh Start

May 4, 2012 By Jamee 5 Comments

My marathon of bowel preps is now over. Thank you Jesus! It definitely wasn’t my first rodeo as I’ve definitely known how to survive a bowel prep but being that a colonoscopy wasn’t waiting at the end made it quite different.

I would like to know who gets hired to write the labels for bowel prep kits. My BFF Mamie and I were joking on Twitter about some of the descriptions. This week’s bottle read “sparkling saline laxative” as if using the word “sparkling” would make it easier to drink. Mamie’s favorite was the brand “Go-Litely” which should have been retitled, “Go-all-day-and-all-nightly.” I think the one that really takes the cake are the barium shakes you have to drink before CT scan or upper GI which kindly read, “Pleasantly Flavored.” Whoever the jerk is that wrote that I would LOVE to treat him or her to three or four bottles and see how pleasant they find it.

But I digress.

Lately its been no secret that I haven’t been happy with my body. I busted tail in 2010 to lose close to 40 pounds. I was so proud of myself and definitely felt confident about my body for the first time in a long time.

Then 2011 happened.

It was not a good year. Pain seemed to escalate throughout the year regardless of any type of intervention we tried. Surgery did not even provide relief as we would have hoped and let’s not get started on the megace treatment.

Between the pain, inactivity, and treatments, it kills me to say that all of the weight I lost is now back and its a struggle to not hate myself for it.

So with this week’s cleanse, I’ve decided to make something positive out of it and use this as an opportunity to have a fresh start and start to make better choices about what I put in my body. The timing of the kickoff of Sharing Our Spoons is great as I’m really looking forward to having the accountability and support of some amazing ladies on this journey to regain control of my body or maybe re-lose would be the better way to think.

Either way, I’m ready to go. I just signed up for a six-month meal planning service to help me plan healthy, gluten-free and kid-friendly meals in advance instead of showing up at the house every day after work and having John and I ask each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?’ Menu planning will commence tonight and grocery shopping will take place this weekend to help us get off on the right foot!

I feel super-charged already just putting this all in writing! Who’s with me?

*P.S. The giveaways associated with the Sharing Our Spoons kick-off will run through the weekend & winners will be drawn Monday so be sure to check it out!*

Filed Under: chronic illness, health Tagged With: celiac, chronic illness, self care, self-esteem, Sharing Our Spoons

Mar 12, 2012

Bloggging for Endo Awareness: The Mental

March 12, 2012 By Jamee 9 Comments

Welcome to Week 2 of Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness! Last week we talked about the physical side effects of living with endometriosis. This week we will talk about some of the more unrecognized side effects of chronic illness – how illness can affect you mentally.

This has probably been the hardest thing to adjust to after my diagnosis. Don’t get me wrong, the pain can be unbearable at times and difficult to work through but I think pain can be more easily acknowledged by others whereas the mental (along with emotional, spiritual, and social) aspects of chronic illness are not validated and therefore can leave you feeling pretty isolated.

I have mentioned before that I have always been a perfectionist, almost-Type-A personality. I like feeling in control. I like for others to be proud of me (whether it be my parents, professors, or spouse). I have always sought to be the best as possible – highest grades, first chair in orchestra, etc. I like having a list that I can easily check-off. I like saying yes to projects and feeling accomplished when they are complete. So when I was diagnosed and really started being impacted by endo on a daily basis, my ideas about what my life should be like came crashing down.

I have written about trying to get to a point where I can mentally accept my “new normal” in life and let go of my previous life without chronic illness. Heck, that is even what I based this blog around almost five years ago. But why can’t I just accept it once and for all? Why do I have to keep fighting?

Sometimes I really wonder if I have gone crazy. Is the pain really real or is it in my head?

Sometimes I really wonder about the fatigue I’m battling. Is it real or am I just lazy?

Sometimes I wonder about how spiritually empty I feel. Do I just not have enough faith?

I cannot count the nights I have cried myself to sleep asking myself these questions even though I know my pain and my fatigue is real. I know that my lack of healing isn’t the result of having too little faith. I know this in my head and in my heart but being the perfectionist that I am, I think the Enemy has found where I am weak and cause me to question how I view myself as well as how I think others view me.

I want to get past this. I really do and thanks to the blessing of fellow endo sisters and the support of my family, I know that I can continue to work to get past this hurdle.

Filed Under: blogging, chronic illness Tagged With: awareness, Blogging for Endometriosis, endometrio, self-esteem

Feb 1, 2012

Choosing To Fight

February 1, 2012 By Jamee 23 Comments

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I had a not-so-hot doctor’s appointment yesterday morning. This past weekend was the worst flare I’ve had to date. I was in bed pretty much from 5pm Friday until 7am Monday. Nothing, I mean nothing, seemed to be helping the pain. Even my prescription medicines were not touching it so on Monday I started calling doctors. The pain clinic was my first call and since prescriptions cannot be changed over the phone, the nurse set up an appointment for 8:15am yesterday. I also called my rheumatologist who tweaked my dosages of my medications for fibromyalgia (we had discussed the possibility of needing to up the dosage at my last appointment so we both felt comfortable with phoning in the change versus needing to drive an hour for an appointment). I see my primary doctor next week so I knew there wasn’t a point in calling because there was no way I would be able to be seen before my scheduled appointment.

The visit to the pain clinic was supposed to be a short one which turned out to be not the case. Thirty minutes after my scheduled appointment time, the doctor finally came in and being as I was the only patient there I was already frustrated. The gist of his response to my pain-filled weekend was to be thankful that the flare didn’t last any longer than it did. I just need to come to terms with major flares being a part of my life and be ok with not having medications to treat the pain. He did not want to increase my dosage (although we had discussed the possibility at my last appointment) however he agreed to give me a extended release pain medication to help prevent pain from waking me up in the middle of the night. The catch (there always has to be a catch, right?) is that for now he wants to go back to seeing me every 30 days versus 90 for drug tests and pill counts. On the way out the door, he let me know that I was overweight.

Needless to say, I left the appointment angry, frustrated, and defeated. I was angry that it seemed that he had no concern for my quality of life as a patient. I was frustrated that, even though it was never said, he seemed to be thinking that I was exaggerating my pain in hopes to get more medication. I was defeated as it was if the prescription he handed me said really said “give up hope for ever having a normal life.” The twenty minute drive to work seemed to last an hour as I attempted to process everything that had just happened. When I pulled into my parking space, things changed.

As I took the keys out of the ignition, I looked down and saw the word “fighter.” It served as a powerful reminder and I made the conscious decision to not go down without a fight. I am not going to accept that my life is over and any hope of relief is gone. I am not going to allow one jerk-faced doctor take my dreams from me.

I can and I will fight. I will fight knowing that my God is bigger than my pain and He will provide strength to press on. I will fight knowing I have an amazing family loving me through it. I will fight knowing that I have strong and inspiring women who are traveling the same road fighting alongside of me.

Filed Under: chronic illness, health Tagged With: endometrioisis, fibromyalgia, IC, pain, self-esteem