Choices

Apr 19, 2012

Choices

April 19, 2012 By Jamee 6 Comments

I’ve been quiet this week both in real like and online. I have tweeted some but I just haven’t had much to say.

Its been one of those weeks where you go into survival mode and do whatever the bare minimum to keep your head above water.

Pain has been harder to control. The nausea has seriously become completely overwhelming and currently they are not exactly sure how we can correct it.

In addition to the physical stress, emotionally I feel like the best thing for me to do is hide. I mentioned this once on twitter this week but the guilt of being a sick mom and wife as been difficult to shake for whatever reason. I also had a surge of infertility grief which hit me out of nowhere.

I also got in a fight with my mom this week which never happens. She is totally my best friend outside of my husband. I mean we get on each others nerves and get frustrated with each other but this one was big. She was trying to be funny. I was in a lot of pain and battling the guilt. Those two things didn’t mix well. There were a lot of tears and even a hangup but by the end of the day we had it figured out. Thankfully. So we are back to being BFFs.

With all of this going on, I have felt like I didn’t have anything to offer. The last thing I want to spew negativity through out the blogosphere (even though I know those posts are sometimes needed) but every time I sat down to write I looked at my new tagline – choosing hope in spite of chronic illness. This past week, I wasn’t choosing hope. I was choosing despair and by making that choice I was allowing myself to sit in a dark place. And since my goal with this blog is to be authentic I didn’t want to put on a front like I had it all together when I know inside I was crying.

Thankfully, I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel again. The pain is still there. The grief is still there. The only difference is the choice that I have made – choosing hope. I am choosing hope tonight at 9:13pm in NC and I know tomorrow when my alarm goes off I will once again have to make a choice. Making the choice to have hope doesn’t mean I know all the answers or that I know my future but choosing hope means I know my Creator and by knowing His character, I’ll be ok.

Filed Under: chronic illness, Faith, health Tagged With: choosing hope, faith, family, relationships

Apr 5, 2012

HAWMC Day 5: The Renewal of Spring

April 5, 2012 By Jamee 2 Comments

Today’s writing assignment is to head to flickr.com/explore and select a picture at random that speaks to you.

This one definitely caught my attention, especially as I have thought about Easter.

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I have always loved spring. Birds are singing. Flowers are beginning to bloom. Buds begin appearing on trees. The proof of new life is all around us. I think the connection between faith and nature is so powerful when you stop and think about it. In winter, everything seems empty, dark, and almost lifeless however with the change of the season everything has a chance to be reborn.

I think to truly appreciate the beauty of spring, we must acknowledge the barrenness of winter. I think the same is true with the celebration of Easter. Easter brings the promise of new life through the miracle of the resurrection. What a beautiful day! As believers we put a lot of focus on Easter Sunday (which is not necessarily a bad thing) but if we don’t stop to consider the dark that came before the dawn of the resurrection I think we are missing the point. I love that my church has a service on Good Friday. Its not a service where you come in a pretty dress or singing “Up From The Grave He Arose.” It is a service to revisit the pain and the sacrifice that Christ endured for each and every one of us.

When we allow ourselves time to pray and medicate on the events that transpired when Christ died on the cross, the even more beautiful our appreciation of the Resurrection! What once was dead is now alive! Through the Resurrection, Christ conquered death and paved the way for our salvation. Just as the trees in spring, we have the opportunity to be reborn. We can have new and abundant life and that is something to be celebrated!

You may be asking yourself why I’m talking about Easter when I’m working on a Health Activist Writer’s challenge since I’m talking about my faith instead of my health. The reason for that is because I’ve realized they go hand in hand. Just as spring brings new life to nature, I have a new life (and a new body) awaiting me in heaven. But even now while I’m still on earth, the Spirit continually breathe new life into me as long as I’m open to it and it is through that renewal of faith and spirit that I feel like I can keep pressing forward in battling chronic illness and continue to choose hope.

Filed Under: blogging, chronic illness, Faith Tagged With: chronic illness, Easter, faith, HAWMC

Apr 2, 2012

HAWMC Day 2 – Inspiring Words

April 2, 2012 By Jamee 8 Comments

Today’s assignment was pretty easy to complete as these are words that I have clung to the last three days.

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There are days that these words are what get me out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other. It is these words keep me from going over the edge and losing all hope. These words speak of a promise of a future where pain is no longer a part of the equation.

I’m not sure that anyone would ever say that they were lucky to go through a hard experience. I would never have wished to be diagnosed with five illnesses by 30 or signed up to go through infertility and the roller coaster of adoption. But looking back I can see how I am a better person today because of those experiences. I have a greater understanding of faith that I could have never achieved without walking through these trials and heartaches. It was in the darkness of these times that I learned to wrestle with my faith and how I felt it all fit in my understanding of who God is. It was in the darkness of these times that I learned what it was like to having nothing else to hold onto but the promise of my Father and learned that that promise could and would carry me through.

This verse tells me that He not only has a plan for me but a plan to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. These words not only tell me that I can keep going but that there will be something waiting even better in the end.

I am thankful that along this journey that God has placed so many amazing and wonderful people in my path that I never ever would have been able to meet had I not gotten sick. I don’t think I ever would have started blogging or have found that writing could be a part of my ministry. I would never have learned to not take each day and the little things for granted. For all of these things I am thankful.

Filed Under: blogging, chronic illness, Faith, health Tagged With: chronic illness, faith, HAWMC, purpose