Even since I left the doctor’s office, I’ve had a phrase repeating over and over in my head. As the nurse was getting ready to take my blood we were chit-chatting and I had told her that I had to have a hysterectomy last summer and of course she asked if I had gotten to have babies so I said no, we wanted to but we couldn’t. So she thinks for a couple seconds and asked “have you ever thought about getting a dog?” She said that sometimes they are easier since you don’t have to feel guilty if you send them to the kennel while you go on vacation. What kind of person says that type of thing? I have been replaying that over and over again in my head and I haven’t been able to shake it. This afternoon I also lurked on an IF message board that I used to frequent before my hysterectomy and there is now a group for “advanced TTTC” or those who have been TTC for over three years. When I looked at the list of the names, these were the same women that I cycled with and shared heartache with and to see them still wondering if this cycle is going to be THE cycle breaks my heart. I always wondered how long IF would still bother me. I’ve wondered if the sting of hurtful comments would ever go away. I guess I thought with our adoption journey bringing us closer to our child that it would get easier. That I would have more “suvivor’s guilt” since hopefully I’ll have a child soon but I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I know that every day I will carry the emotional scars of IF but I also know that every morning when I look in the mirror I will see a physical scar reminding me of all that I never got to experience. We were in BRU this weekend and I saw a picture frame that read “our first glance” and had a spot where you could place the first u/s picture. That is something I will never have. I keep thinking that if I just keep pushing forward that I won’t have to carry this so long. But I don’t yet consider myself a survivor. The weight of TTTC still rests upon my shoulders.