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I’m Tired.

I am tired of feeling mentally checked out of my weight loss goals. I worked my tail off to lose 40 lbs and here I am sitting 11 pounds over my goal weight & where I was at the start of 2011  (still at 136 for my challenge check-in). I know in my  head what I need to do but I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I get mad at myself and then I get depressed and then I am back in my emotional eating cycle.

 

I am tired of constantly being in pain. I know things are in motion to bring some answers but its not moving quite fast enough. I miss spending time with my husband and my daughter.

 

I am tired of feeling betrayed by my body. I am 29, not 79. I think I could handle my flaws better if I knew there were good memories attached. For example, I could handle a slightly softer middle if I knew that it was the result of a miracle pregnancy but instead its a result of 4 surgeries in 4 1/2 years and menopause at the age of 26. Seeing my scars is a visual reminder of the failure of my body.

 

I am tired of feeling empty in my spirit. I broke down on Monday evening sitting on the counter talking to my husband as I was sharing about feeling betrayed by my body (and feeling awful about my emotional breakdown on a beautiful post by A Belle, A Bean, & A Chicago Dog – sorry Liz!) and it struck me that I think part of my emptiness is feeling betrayed by God. I know in my head that He didn’t betray me nor did He cause my pain or sickness but I feel very alone spiritually.

 

I wish that the answer to my fatigue was sleep but I know its not that simple. While I am not sure what is going to happen next, the only thing I know to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and cling to His promise that in my future there is hope for prosperity.

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22 Comments

  • Reply Brooke

    {{{{hugs}}}}}}

    July 13, 2011 at 2:15 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      Thanks Brooke! Hugs work wonders!

      July 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm
  • Reply Emily

    I wish I had some great words of wisdom to share with you, but the truth is that I haven’t experienced anything close to what you have. I do know that trite phrases like “God knows what he’s doing,” “There’s a reason for everything,” etc., are probably not helpful right now….

    Some people say that God will never give us more than we can handle. I don’t think that’s true. I know for a fact God does give us more than we can handle. On our own. But, He never gives us more than we can handle WITH His help. I’m praying for you today, that you would cling with white knuckles to His promises and His love, and that He will bring healing to your soul.

    July 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      I really needed this. Thank you so much for your words of kindness & encouragement. It really means a lot!

      July 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm
  • Reply Jane W

    I am Jainw on Twitter and have read your post on belle bean and dog. I have been where you have been (maybe still there) and understand what you must be going through and it is hell. Sometimes I think I have come out the otherside, and mostly have, but still have tired days (like today, slept till 11 and then napped 3 til 5,3o) I think it is all about finding the balance of the right foods, meds and level of activity that suits you. I have been suicidal with the pain at times, depressed that I too had an early menopause and only one child, but I hope it is all part of some master plan which will be revealed in due course. With regard to your weight, I am sure when you are ready it will be so easy to loose those last 11lbs, but maybe you are not in the right place to do it just now. It is so hard when you are on tablets, and can’t exercise, every lb off, has to be through cutting down on the foods which are one of life”s joys still accessible to you.
    Use every tool in the book to find friends (real or virtual) who can support you through this difficult, dark time, and try not to be too hard on your self, you are your best ally you know.
    Hugs
    Jane

    July 13, 2011 at 7:26 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      Thank you so much for your kind words & your support! Its comments like this that keep me pushing forward!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:33 am
  • Reply Barb

    Oh Jamee – I am sick for you. I have no words….the comment above was perfect! I am a praying kind of girl, so I’ll tack you onto my list.

    July 13, 2011 at 7:32 pm
  • Reply C.C. Almon - my journey as a Christ follower, wife, mamma, and fibromyalgia fighter

    No words just {{{{{{{{{{Jamee}}}}}}}}}}

    July 13, 2011 at 7:40 pm
  • Reply Jessi

    Stay strong, mama. I had the same spiritual emptiness when my first son passed away. I hold firm to my belief that God’s plan is with purpose, and while I still miss my little man, I know that he was released from a body that would have been racked with pain and struggle.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle, too. It’s hard to make sense of the senseless, but you’re right, His promise is true.

    July 13, 2011 at 8:49 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      Thank you so much Jessi!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:32 am
  • Reply BalancingMama (Julie)

    I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I admire you for battling all those chronic issues – yet it’s okay to let go and break down now and then. Somtimes we have no clue why God allows things to happen, but we have to try to grasp at our hope and trust that things will be OK. There’s a plan in there somewhere… right?

    HUGS!!!! Love ya! Can’t wait to see you in person in October.

    July 13, 2011 at 8:53 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      I am so looking forward to October! Hopefully surgery doesn’t interfere! Thank you for your support & encouragement!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:32 am
  • Reply liz

    My heart goes out to you, Jamee!

    July 13, 2011 at 8:53 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      Thank you Liz! The community & support I receive from my blog/twitter friends means SO much!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:31 am
  • Reply Living the Balanced Life

    Jamee,
    I don’t have much to say. I have been in a similar place and I know it is tough. I love what Emily had to say. That God allows more than we can bear, on our own. But we CAN handle it with His help. And that is what I have to cling to. I pray that you can do the same. Hugs to you!
    Bernice

    July 13, 2011 at 9:11 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      thank you so much! Your words & support mean so much!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:30 am
  • Reply AnnG

    What an honest open post. I can’t even imagine the physical and emotional pain you are going through. Hugs and prayers!!

    July 13, 2011 at 9:12 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      Thanks Ann!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:30 am
  • Reply Ziba Anne

    No words to help.. just sending you lots of..
    Love ‘n’ {{HUGS}}

    July 13, 2011 at 9:14 pm
    • Reply Jamee

      thank you!

      July 14, 2011 at 11:30 am
  • Reply cheryl

    I think just recognizing that it truly is “harder for you/us” can be helpful. People will ask me why I w/o on days I’m in pain….well, if I didn’t workout when I hurt, I’d NEVER workout. That said, it is perfectly reasonable and HEALTHY to rest on the days your body demands it. And I think it is fine too to have wallow-time….give yourself that….you have every right to it. When I was going through my divorce (in the midst of a back injury adding to the endo fun), I actually spelled out for myself a wallow-period. It really helped to ALLOW myself that time and I recommend it, whether it is an hour, a day, a week…or even a regularly scheduled cry.

    July 14, 2011 at 10:24 am
    • Reply Jamee

      Your comment really helps. I don’t think I allow myself to grieve as much as should. I shouldn’t feel guilty for my tears.

      July 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

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