I’ve been quiet this week both in real like and online. I have tweeted some but I just haven’t had much to say.
Its been one of those weeks where you go into survival mode and do whatever the bare minimum to keep your head above water.
Pain has been harder to control. The nausea has seriously become completely overwhelming and currently they are not exactly sure how we can correct it.
In addition to the physical stress, emotionally I feel like the best thing for me to do is hide. I mentioned this once on twitter this week but the guilt of being a sick mom and wife as been difficult to shake for whatever reason. I also had a surge of infertility grief which hit me out of nowhere.
I also got in a fight with my mom this week which never happens. She is totally my best friend outside of my husband. I mean we get on each others nerves and get frustrated with each other but this one was big. She was trying to be funny. I was in a lot of pain and battling the guilt. Those two things didn’t mix well. There were a lot of tears and even a hangup but by the end of the day we had it figured out. Thankfully. So we are back to being BFFs.
With all of this going on, I have felt like I didn’t have anything to offer. The last thing I want to spew negativity through out the blogosphere (even though I know those posts are sometimes needed) but every time I sat down to write I looked at my new tagline – choosing hope in spite of chronic illness. This past week, I wasn’t choosing hope. I was choosing despair and by making that choice I was allowing myself to sit in a dark place. And since my goal with this blog is to be authentic I didn’t want to put on a front like I had it all together when I know inside I was crying.
Thankfully, I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel again. The pain is still there. The grief is still there. The only difference is the choice that I have made – choosing hope. I am choosing hope tonight at 9:13pm in NC and I know tomorrow when my alarm goes off I will once again have to make a choice. Making the choice to have hope doesn’t mean I know all the answers or that I know my future but choosing hope means I know my Creator and by knowing His character, I’ll be ok.