Where I Am

After my most recent hospital discharge, I needed some time to process. I shut off Facebook. I shut off Twitter. I shut off here. I pretty must shut off everything (unfortunately my family got included in that as well – not proud of it, just aiming for transparency). I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I had to get away even if it was just in my own mind.

I was angry.

I was hurt.

I was grieving.

I was lost.

To summarize the final meeting with my surgeon and a follow-up visit to my gastroenterologist, I am at a high likelihood of having another obstruction and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it. I could eat the cleanest diet possible, run 10 miles a day, and check off every item on the “perfect health” checklist and it would not change my risk for another obstruction. My total obstruction was caused by scar tissue from my most recent surgery for endometriosis which took place in August. In nine months time, I went from no scar tissue to a total bowel obstruction caused by scar tissue wrapping and cutting off the blood supply to my small bowel.

Some bodies have the tendency to create scar tissue. Others do not. I fall in the first category. Another factor is that the more abdominal surgeries you have, the more likely you are to create more scar tissue and the higher the risk for complications, like an obstruction.

I have now had 6 abdominal surgeries in 8 years (at the ripe old age of 30). My GI is concerned as this last operation was so major and with an incision so big that it just complicates things even further. He was so incredibly supportive and even felt like a father-figure as he said how much he wished there was something he could do to protect me from it happening again and as much as it helped, there was still a tension that hung in the air.

The unknown.

I feel like a ticking time bomb. Every stab or pain I worry that another obstruction is forming. I’m terrified to eat. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in weeks.

Do not worry, I am in the works to get all of the above taken care of with my team of doctors.

I am also working on getting myself back “out there.” I’m really energized to get back into blogging regularly and getting reconnected in the community. I’m enjoying being able to play with Abby more and take her to school (especially since last week she started telling everyone that Mommy no longer lived at home but at the hospital). My husband and I are having a date night at a hotel in the Queen City before he takes off to Nicaragua for a week.

Physically, I’m still struggling but I’m at a place where I feel good. In my heart. In my mind. In my soul. And its a good place to be.