chronic illness

I’m Terrified

I’m terrified of getting yet another IV (my viens are awful and it usually takes multiple tries with multiple nurses – they had to use a syringe at pre-op in order to get enough blood for the tests).

I’m terrified of needing a bowel ressection because of past issues with my bowels being attached where they weren’t supposed to.

I’m terrified of having another bad reaction to the anethesia and having to stay in the hospital longer than planned (do you know how much it hurts to throw up with a 6in abdominal incision?).

I’m terrified of them finding something unexpected like a tumor.

I’m terrified of them finding nothing and having no answers to my pain.

I’m terrified of Abby not understanding why I cannot pick her up or snuggle like she wants to and feeling hurt.

I’m terrified that this will be my 5th surgery yet will not provide any pain relief and we will be back to square one.


I’m terrified that this will be answer that we are looking for but I won’t know how to be healthy.

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20 comments on “I’m Terrified

  1. Brooke says:

    i have no words, just know that you’ve got a whole bloggy community storming the gates of heaven in prayer for you.

    • Jamee says:

      Thank you Brooke! It means so much to know that you & others are praying! My cup runneth over!

  2. Andrea says:

    I just started “subscribing” to your blog (the only one I read!) as I also have fibromyalgia, IC, and some other chronic illnesses like RSD/CRPS. I mostly use a walker due to pain, and have “been there” with surgeries, procedures… Sounds like we must have similar veins! One trick is to hydrate the day before surgery. The other is to pray! The Psalms are so good to read when we are fearful and overwhelmed with our pain and disease. Psalm 121 is particularly comforting. Remember that we “have not been given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”2Tim1:7(This doesn’t mean we won’t have fears, just reminds us that with God’s spirit we have power to be victorious over it!). I will be praying for you, and hope that God will meet your fears with His strength, love, and wholeness. Thank you for your honest blog, you help me to feel less alone in my illness…

    • Jamee says:

      Thank you for following and I’m glad I can help you feel not so alone! I loooove 2 Timothy 1:7! Its definitely one of my life verses. I wrote it on the top of my music before every performance in college! Thank you for your kind comment & your prayers! It truly means a lot!

  3. Mark says:

    Praying for you – I have found a whole new world of suffering w/ chronic pain over the past 3 years. (Spinal fusion & subsequent pain). It bothers me now that as a pastor I never really understood what people were going through when they described chronic pain. So far the only thing I can think of the “why” I might be going through my situation is to allow me to empathize better with others.

    Stay honest, stay true to your faithful God and one day we know we will worship, healed completely, at his feet. His suffering Son knows our pain and can sympathize with our weaknesses.

    God bless,

    • Jamee says:

      Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I definitely ask myself the why question but I remember but the why really doesn’t matter but its how I choose to respond. I can’t either wallow in the “why’s” and be angry and bitter OR I can’t choose to give God the honor and glory in spite of it. I feel this blog is a part of my ministry. Lately I have really struggled but thanks to the encouragement and prayers of readers like you, I feel completely lifted up!

  4. C.C. Almon - my journey as a Christ follower, wife, mamma, & fibromyalgia fighter says:

    Jamee, continuing to pray for you through this journey. This is a verse God gave us during a very difficult time and we have clung to it for a long time. I hope it is a blessing to you as well.

    For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17

    <3 C.C.

    • Jamee says:

      Thank you so much! I’m going to write that where I can see it after surgery! Love that verse!

  5. Shannon says:

    Hi Jamee,

    I am a 19 year old college student and I came across your blog a few weeks ago and have been following ever since. I don’t know what it is but reading your posts always reminds me that I am not alone and if you can be a strong mother going through all of this, then I can surely be strong as well.
    I have suffered from chronic digestive problems and pain for the last two years now. It has become so debilitating that I have had to mostly stay home all summer and not go out and have fun like all my other young, perfectly healthy friends. The nausea is so bad that I can barely eat anymore and I just found out today at my gastroenterology appointment that I have to get a ct scan, upper endoscopy, and colonoscopy (EEK) all in the next month. I’ve never done anything like this before.
    And I am terrified, too.
    I spent a lot of the day crying out of fear. And then I checked your blog, and realized that once again, I am not alone. And I know that if you can do this, I can do this too. Even though I don’t know you I thank you for giving me hope. My prayers are with you… “The more you suffer, the greater the rescue.” God will redeem you and your pain.
    Thank you for writing,

    • Jamee says:

      I am sorry you are having to deal with so many GI issues! It is no fun at all! Will they be doing the CT, EGD, & colonoscopy at the same time? I’ve had 3 EGDs & 2 colonscopies and I will say that the prep is the worst! The procedure itself is pretty simple as they have you pretty medicated (though not under anethesia). Here is a post I did on surviving the bowel prep! Please feel free to contact me anytime if you want to chat! You can email me (anewkindofnormal at gmail) or find me on twitter (@newkindofnormal)!

      • Shannon says:

        Thank you so much for your reply! And your encouragement is very much appreciated. I loved the post about the bowel prep… I’ve heard that really is the worst part but at least now I know what to have handy! They will be doing the CT scan this week and the endoscopy and colonoscopy on the same day in a couple weeks. I will definitely e mail you if I have any more questions, thanks! Also, I just realized that you have surgery tomorrow… my prayers are with you!!! Best of luck, I hope that God will provide answers and peace to your life. We are all rooting for you. And your daughter is the CUTEST.
        -Shannon <3

  6. liz says:

    Jamee, I’m so sorry to hear your struggles and worries. All I can say is that I truly hope this is the answer you’ve been hoping for.

  7. trininista says:

    Thinking of you as you face this. But you have the right spirit going forward and clearly loads of people in your corner! Hope this is some comfort and a source of strength for you.

  8. Alison@Mama Wants This says:

    Jamee, I’m so sorry. It’s okay to be terrified. Just know that many are thinking of you and keeping you close in their prayers (as evidenced by the comments). Wishing you well, sending you love and light and hugs right back atcha!

    • Jamee says:

      Thank you so very much for the encouragement! It gives me so much comfort to know I’ve got people in my corner cheering & praying for me!

  9. Emily Ruth says:

    I will certainly be praying for you Jamee! This post reminds me exactly how I felt before my first and fourth laparoscopy- I was absolutely petrified! After my first lap I ended up back in hosptial with a swollen belly (and they didn’t know why) and then I had a reaction to the meds and spent a whole day throwing up every few minutes- so not cool even with small incsions- can only imagine what you went through! Ugh!

    After my third lap I got pretty sick with complications and went into urinary retention twice so when I was preparing for my fourth one, the fear was overwhelming. I had so many people praying for me, and that surgery has been the best relief I have ever had. I hardly get pain anymore! (praying that by some miracle the endo doesn’t grow back).

    I will be praying for EVERYTHING you’ve written in this post.

    Lately I’ve been feeling quite scared about the future and after reading that you’re terrified that you won’t know how to be healthy hit me like a ton of bricks- that’s exactly how I feel. I’m scared of not being able to cope with being “normal” because I’ve spent so long being sick that I struggle to imagine a life without pain and fatigue. It’s really quite difficult to explain, and I wouldn’t dare try to explain it to a healthy person. I want to get better- but I’m scared. Really scared. Thankyou for making me feel less like a crazy woman- I’m so glad I’m not alone.

    You are such an inspiration to so many, and you’re blog is such a blessing to me.

    He’s got BIG wild plans for you!

    ♥ Miss Chronically Creative

  10. Sarah K. says:

    I really hope this gives some answers and helps you find relief from the pain. Thinking good thoughts and praying for you. BIG *hugs*

  11. cheryl says:

    *gentle hugs*

    i know you are post-op now but just am catching up after being discharged myself. my IVs sucked too. although it was back surgery, they went in via the belly so i bet we have some similar struggles. i have odd rules to protect the back, but the PAIN is so much more in the belly and it makes things like getting in bed and, well….number 2, really hard. i’m around nephews today and can’t imagine how hard it would be as a mom (my step-mom is here doing the caretaking), esp to not be able to pick up and cuddle your girl. but i think kids understand more than we think and she’ll just be happy to have mommy home even if you have limits

    wishing you a speedy recovery.

    • Jamee says:

      Thanks Cheryl! I hope you have a speedy recovery too! I’ll be here in the hospital until at least Sunday! Your guest post goes up on Monday!


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