Worth It All

Feb 23, 2012

Worth It All

February 23, 2012 By Jamee 11 Comments

This has been a hard week for me in terms of dealing with my infertility struggles. Usually I can keep a pretty good grip on my emotions when friends or family announce their pregnancies as I really am happy for them. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone so I am happy to see them excited about their new addition on the way.

Yet in the midst of the excitement for them, I feel an all to familiar pain in my heart as for a moment my mind flashes back to the negative pregnancy tests, fertility procedures, and finally sobbing in my doctor’s office as we discuss a hysterectomy. For a moment, I acknowledge that loss and allow myself to grieve. I allow the tears to flow and lift a prayer up to God asking for peace and comfort.

It is then that my thoughts turn to my beautiful daughter that I am so incredibly blessed to be called her mommy. It is then that I remember the day we got the phone call and my husband walked into my office with pink roses and announced we had a daughter. It is then I remember how it feels when she hugs me around the neck and says, “I love you Mommy!”

It is then that I realize it was worth it all.

Filed Under: adoption, IF, motherhood

Aug 25, 2011

Infertle vs Sterile

August 25, 2011 By Jamee 5 Comments

Once you cross the bridge into the world of infertility you can never go back. It is almost as if you are marked with the letters IF using a hot brand. Time may pass and the wound may begin to heal. The scar may even start to fade a little but it is always there.

There seems to be this idea out there that once you become a parent whether through medical intervention, adoption, or a miracle pregnancy that your IF memory becomes erased and almost invalid. I have had people question why parts of my story still make me sad now that I have Abby. It is true that I may not think about it as much now or that the sting might not go so deep these days but the reality is the infertility is still a part of my life. It is a part of the journey that led me to Abby. It is a real and devastating loss that I am still grieving. It is a part of me. It has shaped me into the person I am today – both in good and bad ways.

As I laid in bed tonight with all my thoughts swirling about infertility, I laid my hand gently on my lower abdomen and had a realization. The scar upon which I rested my hand made me no longer infertile but sterile. And not two weeks ago but three years ago. I have shared the pain of signing the paperwork before my hysterectomy and have always known since then that i was sterile but never owned it. When people would ask about pregnancy (after all, it is a normal part of life for most women my age), I would make jokes like “only if the doctor accidentally left something behind” or “maybe I’m a starfish and regrow it.”

But tonight as I lay in the dark with my husband asleep next to me and Charlie snoring on the floor, I am owning the fact that I am sterile. No amount of perfect timing or medical invention would allow me to become pregnant and carry a child. As a 29 year old it is a hard pill to swallow especially in the light of my recent surgery. While I knew that a hysterectomy was not a cure for endo, I at least held onto hope that it would resolve most of my pain and I would not find myself in the OR due to endo again.

This last surgery has made me question whether or not a hysterectomy was a good call.

What if I had held out a little longer?

What if we had tried one more treatment?

Could I have gotten pregnant?

While we have pretty good solid hypothesis about the fate of my fertility with my case of Endometriosis, it is nothing but a guess. Educated, yes, but still a guess.

The reality is that I will honestly never know. The title of “sterile” comes with its questions as well as a sense of emptiness that even my immense and irreplaceable love for my daughter cannot fill. I still feel a part of me is missing and it is something that I find difficult to explain in words.

Note: I would not trade my family for anything and would walk the same path 1000 times for Abby. This is just a loss in my story that is very real and one in which I am trying to grieve. I share this in order to be as real as possible about my experience with chronic illness and infertility.

Filed Under: chronic illness, health, IF, motherhood Tagged With: endometriosis, hysterctomy, infertility, motherhood

Jul 22, 2011

Working with Chronic Illness: Meet C.C.

July 22, 2011 By Jamee 2 Comments

Time for interview number #2 in my series on Working With Chronic Illness! Today I would like to introduce you to one of my newest BFF’s C.C. Almon. I honestly think we were separated at birth we have so much in common. She blogs over at My Journey As A Christ Follower, Wife, Mamma, & Fibromyalgia Fighter and you can find her on twitter too!

Thank you C.C. for being a part of this series!

1-What are your illnesses? fibromyalgia, migraines, polycystic ovarian syndrome, hypothyroidism, depression, miscarriages, infertility, deviated septum

2-What kind of work do you do? I am currently in the last few weeks of a two year residency as a hospital chaplain. I am unsure of what will happen next for me work wise.

3-Does your work match up to what you have a degree in (if applicable)? Yes

4-Are you working because you want to or out of necessity? It started out as wanting to do this type of work, but it has turned into a necessity.

5-How does your work affect your illness & overall health? My illness is extremely worse because of my work. The stress, number of hours of work required, 24 hour on calls, etc. have taken me to a place where I am now in a power chair to even function in my job. Most days, I get home from work and simply collapse into a chair until bedtime.

6-If you had the option, would you quit? In a heartbeat!

7-What is the positive benefit of working with chronic illness? I am able to make meaning of my own illnesses and experiences and use them to minister to others.

8-What is the negative aspect of working with chronic illness? Many days, I simply cannot function. I have had to take numerous days off work because of my illness. Even when I am at work, I am not able to do the amount of work that is required of everyone else in my office.