thankful for ALL the women in my life

May 13, 2012

thankful for ALL the women in my life

May 13, 2012 By Jamee 3 Comments

Once you travel the road of infertility and adoption, Mother’s Day changes for you. Not that you are no longer faithful for your mother but for some, it seems to be one day where you feel like you are wearing a scarlet IF on your shirt. You are surrounding by women celebrating the honor of being a mom while you patiently (or not-so-patiently) wait for your chance. Just three years ago, I spent the church service crying in the bathroom wondering if I was ever going to get that chance.

So today I would like to say thank you and celebrate ALL the amazing women in my life! I am incredibly blessed to have a mom that is also my best friend.

A sister who, through all the twists and turns of life, is always there for me.

Strong women of faith in my family who have served as role models throughout my life.

Sisters in Christ who have lifted me up in prayer so many times and have been there through each surgery and treatment with a word of encouragement and a hug.

Bloggy friends who have become IRL friends and though miles separate us, there is a bond so strong that it feels like they are just down the street.

For each and every one of you, I am thankful!

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Filed Under: adoption, IF, motherhood Tagged With: Happy Mother's Day

Apr 23, 2012

Being Infertile in a Fertile Family

April 23, 2012 By Jamee 1 Comment

Growing up the thought of never being able to have children never crossed my mind. Aunt Flo decided to her monthly visits the month before starting eighth grade. My cycles were like clockwork and I could have easily marked a calendar. The only time there was a missed cycle was during my heavy long distance training my senior year which was not a surprise because of the mileage I was logging. So, if you had asked the 17 year old me that I would have issues getting pregnant, I would have laughed.

You see, I come from a fertile family. My cousins seemed to have no problem at all getting pregnant (and continuing to get pregnant multiple times). My mom didn’t have any trouble getting pregnant so my genetics were ok, right? Even when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I didn’t want count myself out because 70% of women with endo are able to get pregnant (sometimes with the help of fertility treatments) so my logical self found the statistics to be in our favor.

So when the decision was made to try to make our family grow to three, we were feeling positive. I had an understanding that maybe we wouldn’t get lucky on the first try but that was ok. We knew our time would come and it would be our turn to make a baby announcement that so many of my family members had made.

When you start trying to conceive (TTC) begin to plan your time in 28 day increments, the calendar can move slowly. We had to change it up a bit as some cycles were 35 days, some were 60, so it seemed we were in a perpetual state of “what if.”

Time clicked by and knowing my pain from endometriosis would creep up not being on birth control, we decided to step up the game by tracking my cycles. Every day began by checking my basal body temperature and entering it in onto my fertility calendar. This calendar also dictated when we should be intimate. Surely with all that knowledge, I would be able to get pregnant right?

Months ticked pass. Soon it was six months. Then right in time for my 25th birthday, we were branded. INFERTILE.

I cried as John and I sat in my doctor’s office making decisions about what to try next. Trying to get pregnant became a roller coaster of emotions. We would start every cycle hopeful as we would be using a treatment/medications to increase the chances of getting pregnant. Midcycle we would be anxious about the multiple numbers (follicles, lining, etc) and what they meant for us. Then the next two weeks we waited with baited breath on what the verdict would be. I would over-analyze every feeling and emotion wondering if it meant I was pregnant. A small fortune was spent on ovulation and pregnancy tests. Then the day came – NOT PREGNANT.

This went on for three years. I am typically a fan of roller coasters but this was one that I would have liked to get off. We cried. We searched for answers. We wondered why we were infertile when no one else in our family was. Had we done something wrong? Everyone in our families could have kids so why couldn’t we?

It was hard to be surrounded with babies and pregnancy announcements in the three years that we waited. The “just relax” and “your time will come” comments which were once meant as comfort became words of hurt. We felt isolated as it seemed like everyone but us was able to get pregnant or others had gotten to a point where they didn’t know anything else to say.

Becoming a parent through the miracle of adoption has been a tremendous blessing. Words cannot describe how much I love my daughter and words cannot express the gratitude I have for her birth family who gave us the honor of being her parents.

However, it does not erase the scars left behind by infertility. In my case, I have a very literal and visible scar from my infertility. There are the still the questions of what it would have been like had we been able to get pregnant. Its not the same as saying we would have rather have a different family that didn’t not include adoption so don’t read it wrong. Those questions include what it would have been like to see pregnant on a pregnancy test or seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound for the first time or feeling the baby moving. These are the experiences that we grieve. We would not trade our family for anything but please do not forget what we have had to go through to get here.

This week is the National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check out more about NIAW week at resolve.org!

Filed Under: health, IF, motherhood Tagged With: awareness, family, infertility, motherhood, NIAW

Mar 20, 2012

Blogging for Endo Awareness: Infertility

March 20, 2012 By Jamee 4 Comments

Infertility has been a common thread of this blog as it was the pain of infertility that pushed me to creating this blog. I have shared my broken but blessed road to motherhood.

I have also shared how my hysterectomy made me question and then redefine my womanhood.

Even recently, I have shared how the reality of not just being infertile, but sterile affected me.

Through the last couple years I have shared about how infertility affected me personally but I wanted to share a little more about how it affect my husband and I as a couple. I have always been quick to say to fellow endosisters to not take my story to mean that it will become their story. The truth is 70% of women with endometriosis will be able to achieve pregnancy. You may need a little medical intervention but the statistics are in your favor. I always want to provide that encouragement!

Our infertility journey was two-fold. My body played a role in our infertility as my cycles had gone bananas and I was ovulating really late so it took some charting (and some meds) to get some timing down. It was thought that endometriosis was not the cause of not being able to get pregnant. We also had male issues preventing us from achieving pregnancy. The combo of the two was hard to deal with.

I worried that my body had failed us.

He worried that his body had failed us.

We considered IVF when we were told that would be our only chance of conceiving and spent months trying to figure out the next step to take. Something in our hearts led us to choose adoption. Soon after making the choice to adopt, my pain became unbearable and we scheduled a total hysterectomy. Once the surgery began, we learned that endo had progressed to the point where even if we had chose to do IVF, my body would have never carried the pregnancy to term. My doctor also believed that had we not scheduled the surgery, we would have been doing it on an emergency basis within weeks.

In the end we learned that his body would prevent us from getting pregnant and my body would prevent us from staying pregnant. It was tough to deal with. Even now that we are blessed to have our daughter, there are still days that we question and we grieve. There are still days when a pregnancy announcement stings. There are still days when infertility still haunts.

In our case, some things that helped us move through this was making the choice to go through it together. It may sound pretty simple but we wanted to be sure that we were truly hearing one another to help us grieve as a couple. There were many days when one of us just needed the other to listen and hear how we were feeling without interruption. In our journey, since both of us had fertility issues, it may have been a little easier to process and its what not just one of us with the fertility issues, so if that is the case I would definitely recommend counseling. Something else that helped us heal together (and this was just last year) was being able to participate in a church service based on Loss and Infertility.

I think there is a misconception that motherhood erases all the memories of infertility and sometimes I wish that it would but its not the case. I am SO thankful to have the support of friends and family that is always there when I need them!

Filed Under: blogging, Faith, IF