The Easy Way: A Letter to Abby

Dearest Abby,

Last week was an emotional week for your mama. I was told to be thankful that I got to become a mom the “easy way” since adoption is clearly much easier than pregnancy.

This comment brought up all kinds of emotions. First, there was the shock than anyone would have the nerve to say such a thing to begin with. Second, there was anger. I was crying I was so angry. This person was blessed with her 3rd pregnancy in 3 years and she had the nerve to state that I was the lucky one? I never got to see the 2nd line pop up on a pregnancy test. I never got to see the flicker of your heartbeat for the first time. I never got to feel life within me grow and I am supposed to be thankful and GRATEFUL for this? Third, I was hurt. Incredibly hurt. Grief welled up inside me and no longer were my tears of anger but of mourning.  I mourned the years of infertility and my hysterectomy that made it impossible to carry life. I mourned our two failed placements in the adoption process. I thought of Mia and wondered where she was and prayed that she was happy and healthy. It is becoming harder to picture her face but her loss in ingrained in my heart.

I also thought back to those eight long weeks we waited for you to come home. With every ring of the phone, I feared bad news. I wanted you so bad – more than words can express – but I was terrified with every fiber of my being to become attached to you only to be taken away. It was only when they placed you in my arms on June 22 that I could breathe a sign of relief and completely and hopelessly fall in love with you (which I think took a matter of 30 seconds). All of this was considered taking the “easy way.”

I carried this around for hours waiting for the work day to end so that I could come home to you and to Daddy. And it was when I opened the door and you ran to me with open arms and a huge smile that I realized that you are worth it all. Every hug and kiss was a reminder of the gift that I had been given. No one asks to go through pain and heartache but when there is something as wonderful and special as you waiting at the end of it, how could I complain?

I would go through it all again if it meant becoming your mommy.  I will still have my moments of sadness but please understand that just because you were not born from my body doesn’t mean that I love you any less or value you any less or would ever wish for another child. I only wish that I could have carried YOU.

You are my amazing and special girl. You have taught me more about life, love, and faith in the last 21 months that I have learned in my entire lifetime. You gave my pain purpose. Every day I am thankful that I chosen to be your mommy and have been given the honor to watch you grow up. One day you will understand that you have two families that love you so very much and want the best for you more than anything. You are such a loved little girl.

If the road that led me to you is considered the “easy way” I will take it and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

With all the love in the world,

Your Mommy.

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Comments

  1. says

    What a beautiful letter. I am so sorry that someone was so incredibly hurtful to you! You are an amazing, strong and beautiful mommy. She’s lucky to have you:)

  2. says

    You wrote this from the heart. I’m always amazed at how people can truly just open their mouth and spew crap that is “supposed” to make us feel better. And I’m so glad that evening you had Abby to come home to and get those hugs and smiles. Because no matter the course we took to get to motherhood, it’s never easy. But it is worth it. ((hugs))

  3. says

    Such a moving letter. I think that you clearly communicated to her that you love her just the same as if she was your own, you just wish you could have carried her. This was such a loving and sweet letter to her.

  4. says

    People are so stupid. Being unable to have kids is far more difficult than pregnancy (trust me, I’ve been in both positions) and unless you’ve had trouble conceiving, you’ll just never know & should really keep your mouth shut. People mean well, but they just don’t get it. But your letter was beautiful. Abby is very lucky to have you.

  5. says

    Okay, I just re-read that. I didn’t mean YOU should keep your mouth shut. I meant that other dumb person. But I’m not sure it came across that way. I’m tired. And trying to type one-handed with a sleeping baby in my lap. Anyway…

  6. says

    I was blessed with three pregnancies as well, while my older sister struggled to get pregnant; literally during the time that I kept accidentally showing up pregnant. I have never felt like such a heel in my life. I have other family members who underwent infertility treatments, some with success and some not. Some went on to adopt and some stayed childless….YOU have not gone down the easy road. Your gift from God came after a very long, arduous road that no other person could or would want to walk, it is your personal journey alone. And a very triumphant one at that!!!!!!!!!!

  7. roo says

    I am so sad that some people (who are obviously idiots) think that adoption is “the easy way” to become a parent. Both ways are difficult but just in different ways. You are blessed to have Abby and she is blessed that God chose you for her (the same way he pairs mamas up with babies that they carry). You can love your child whether you physically carried them or not – being a parent is never easy regardless. I was told that I’d never have children. I had a laparoscopy (sp?) for severe endometriosis and lots of prayer and a miscarriage before my two were born. Had I not been able to have them then I most certainly would’ve been one of the moms that carried a child in my heart because I couldn’t in my belly. Keep being the best mom that you are – Abby will never doubt your love for her. Beautiful letter!

  8. says

    oh man.
    kisses to you and to your precious daughter.
    “forgive them, they know not what they do” if He can say it… well we can aspire right?
    people say the dumbest things and it is totally out of ignorance. It doesn’t make it okay.

  9. says

    I enjoyed reading your letter to Abby as well as your other post about living in pain. Some people just never know what to say have not been through things so they are even less sensitive to people and what they might be dealing with. Keep being strong and taking care of that precious baby!

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