adoptionfaithinfertility

The Easy Way: A Letter to Abby

Dearest Abby,

Last week was an emotional week for your mama. I was told to be thankful that I got to become a mom the “easy way” since adoption is clearly much easier than pregnancy.

This comment brought up all kinds of emotions. First, there was the shock than anyone would have the nerve to say such a thing to begin with. Second, there was anger. I was crying I was so angry. This person was blessed with her 3rd pregnancy in 3 years and she had the nerve to state that I was the lucky one? I never got to see the 2nd line pop up on a pregnancy test. I never got to see the flicker of your heartbeat for the first time. I never got to feel life within me grow and I am supposed to be thankful and GRATEFUL for this? Third, I was hurt. Incredibly hurt. Grief welled up inside me and no longer were my tears of anger but of mourning.  I mourned the years of infertility and my hysterectomy that made it impossible to carry life. I mourned our two failed placements in the adoption process. I thought of Mia and wondered where she was and prayed that she was happy and healthy. It is becoming harder to picture her face but her loss in ingrained in my heart.

I also thought back to those eight long weeks we waited for you to come home. With every ring of the phone, I feared bad news. I wanted you so bad – more than words can express – but I was terrified with every fiber of my being to become attached to you only to be taken away. It was only when they placed you in my arms on June 22 that I could breathe a sign of relief and completely and hopelessly fall in love with you (which I think took a matter of 30 seconds). All of this was considered taking the “easy way.”

I carried this around for hours waiting for the work day to end so that I could come home to you and to Daddy. And it was when I opened the door and you ran to me with open arms and a huge smile that I realized that you are worth it all. Every hug and kiss was a reminder of the gift that I had been given. No one asks to go through pain and heartache but when there is something as wonderful and special as you waiting at the end of it, how could I complain?

I would go through it all again if it meant becoming your mommy.  I will still have my moments of sadness but please understand that just because you were not born from my body doesn’t mean that I love you any less or value you any less or would ever wish for another child. I only wish that I could have carried YOU.

You are my amazing and special girl. You have taught me more about life, love, and faith in the last 21 months that I have learned in my entire lifetime. You gave my pain purpose. Every day I am thankful that I chosen to be your mommy and have been given the honor to watch you grow up. One day you will understand that you have two families that love you so very much and want the best for you more than anything. You are such a loved little girl.

If the road that led me to you is considered the “easy way” I will take it and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

With all the love in the world,

Your Mommy.

weight loss

Wendesday Check-in: Power of One #5

Power of One ChallengeI feel much better about posting this week’s check-in. Today’s numbers 128.4! So I lost 2.6 lbs! I’m still a little higher than I want to be but I definitely feel a lot better about being back in the 120s. This challenge is definitely not going the way I have planned but I am determined not to beat myself up over it. Poor Abby has been sick 3 different times since this challenge started and taking care of her has definitely taken a priority.

I still haven’t updated my measurements because somehow my tape has gone missing but its on my shopping list for this evening!

Here are my goals for the challenge:

  1. Hit the gym on my lunch break at least 3 days a week. Got to the gym once this week but also walked with Abby on Sunday evening (after she got over her bug and before I came down with it).
  2. Remove all soda from my diet instead replacing it with water and other healthy drinks. Not completely gone but I have dramatically cut back and if I am drinking soda now it is at least diet.
  3. Prepare dinner at home at least 4 nights a week, trying a new recipe at least once. Decent on preparing meals at home but have not tried any new recipes. Have one on the schedule for this week though!
  4. Lose at least 5 inches overall throughout the course of the challenge. TBD