come again another day . . . actually . . . don’t come again another day. The past couple days have been pretty rough. Utter exhaustion has been plaguing me and I have been dealing with alot of muscule and joint pain. I almost feel like I did with endo which makes me want to cry. This can’t be happening again! I feel very defeated as if the pain comes back full force, what am I to do next? I don’t think I can spare any more organs and I don’t have any specialists to see that I haven’t already seen! I feel like I seem to go in circles.
I do have two good things to report: 1) we sent in the last of our paperwork so the “paper chase” is over and we’re on to the homestudy (which makes me want to go on an all out cleaning spree–which I would hate to think of how I will feel when that is over); and 2) we ordered our nursery bedding! We finally found a gender neutral bedding that we both loved and was affordable!
Sometimes when you think you’ve got a handle on your grief, it comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks. This week has been pretty stressful at work so I was already emotionally fragile. It just seems this week that I had a lot of people announce pregnancies. And its not that I’m not happy for these women and their families but it just hit me hard today again that I will never be able to announce a BFP. I will never get to say that I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound the first time. So I cried . . . a lot. I am completely excited about adopting and am thrilled that we are making so much progress but I guess I still have some fears that something will come up and we won’t be able to adopt and we will never become parents. I guess I still have some way to go before I am completely over facing our infertility. So I called John to have him help me calm down. I eventually gathered my composure and got back to work with my makeup surprisingly in tack 🙂 I am feeling better now but still a little drained so I’m chilling at home. John had a prior engagement so I’m enjoying having a little down time. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little brighter.
I posted with much sadness yesterday but today I talked to a dear friend about the miracle of adoption. John and I both coached her son in Upward Soccer (he was on my team one year and John’s the following year) and her husband is also a pastor and has worked with us in different ministry opportunities. After they had their son, they spent many years trying for a second child unsuccessfully. Last soccer season, we talked together many times about adoption and in April of this year her husband was telling us about their journey. Well, I saw her in Wal-mart today so we stopped and chatted. She let me know that they had a new daughter! They went through DSS and were shortly matched with a little girl! They picked her up from the hospital and she is now 4 months old! I was so excited for them! But here is where the story is just too awesome for words. She said that after church one Sunday a man in their congregation came up and said that he just felt led to pray with them. So after they prayed he said that he had something on his heart but didn’t know if he should tell them. They urged him to proceed and he said, “I’ve just had this constant urging that you are going to have a little girl named Faith.” They thought it was a pretty name but they had really wanted to use the name Isaac for a boy and Elizabeth for a girl (as the name Elizabeth with symbolic of their journey to adoption). So time goes by and they get a call from DSS saying that they have got a baby coming into custody and they asked if they would take her. Of course they said yes so she and her friend ran to Walmart real quick to pick up some necessities and her friend told her that she just knew that they were going to have a girl named Faith. And here is the amazing part–they called from the hospital letting them know that they could come pick up the baby and to ask for baby FAITH ELIZABETH!!! Is that not crazy?! I was completely covered in chill bumps from head to toe! God is amazing how everything is so perfectly worked out. Even when people made bad choices, He can still use them to bring to bring blessings. As we are drawing close to the end of the paperchase and to the start of our homestudy, I am so encouraged by this and completely know that God will work out a miracle for us just as He was done so for this wonderful family. I am just filled with every emotion. GOD IS SO GOOD!