The past the week I have had a song in my head that I can’t get shake called “Hold the Light” by Caedmon’s Call. One line that keeps repeating over and over in my head is “Jacob wrestled the angel but I’m too tired to fight.” That sums up how I’m feeling. I’m just so tired of fighting the fight. I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Lately I have found it hard to even pray. Not that I believe that God isn’t there or isn’t listening but in efforts to protect myself I have withdrawn deeply shutting out even the people dearest to me (hence why I am starting counseling). Infertility and illness can be so cruel. I have met some strong and courageous women who have provided so much comfort and encouragement but it hurts to know the pain that has brought us together. I cannot quit wrestling with the idea of IVF. I feel like I’m giving up too soon if we don’t give it a shot. I know that part of it stems from my perfectionism and fear of failure but deep in my soul I long to experience pregnancy and child-birth and look into my child’s eyes seeing what the love bewteen John and I created. The holidays will be hard and I will try not to be bitter. Maybe this year when I say this will be our last childless Christmas, it will come true.
“Hold the Light”
Written by: Andrew Osenga and Randall Goodgame
It’s been a long year, like a sleepless night
Jacob wrestled the angel but I’m too tired to fight
Every Wednesday for two years we’ve met
I’ve showed you all my anger, doubts, and bitterness
There was no judgment in your eyes
Just the silent peace of God that felt so real in you
Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?
And I stay up late, cause I cannot sleep
I don’t wanna face the quiet, it’s just God and me
Cause I’m waiting for the gavel handing me the sentence down
Cause I don’t believe forgiveness or even repentance now
There was no judgment in your eyes
Just the silent peace of God that felt so real in you
Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?
I wanna feel redemption flowing through my veins
I wanna see with clear eyes beyond lust and hate
I want the war to be over and know the good guys won
I want love to hold me and know I’m not alone
Standing round a willow weeping
We’re praying in the backyard
And the chill of the night, the friendship light reminded me
Who we are
